


High Hopes

by dustyfluorescent



Series: Not Holding Your Hand [1]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Dark Arthur, Domestic Violence, Infidelity, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-17
Updated: 2011-12-17
Packaged: 2017-10-27 10:45:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/294956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dustyfluorescent/pseuds/dustyfluorescent
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"It's fucking uncomfortable when someone breaks your nose and then won't leave you be, I'll have you know."</p>
            </blockquote>





	High Hopes

**Author's Note:**

> _when it started we had high hopes_   
>  _now my back's on the line_   
>  _my back's on the ropes_   
>  _when it started we were alright_   
>  _but night makes a fool of us in daylight_
> 
>  
> 
> Coldplay - Yes

Merlin always falls for the wrong man. It's his thing. He first got his heart broken when he was sixteen and he didn't learn anything of it. That time wasn't so serious, though, it doesn't seem that way anymore when he thinks about it. Will cheated on him, but they should never have got together in the first place. It was never going to last, it was Will's mistake as much as Merlin's, and it was going to end badly either way. Will was the first guy Merlin shouldn't have fallen for, but that was because Will was a friend. Merlin's twenty-one now and he has met his fair share of men who absolutely were not his friends at all. Never once has Merlin been right about a guy. That has become what defines him, the thing. Right, Merlin, the guy who always fucks up every single relationship he's involved in.

Luckily, it's not his only thing. Because that would be unbearably pathetic.

It's a pity, really, that the other thing isn't something he likes to ever mention, because he can't imagine getting any good reactions out of it. He doesn't usually tell people, because the whole thing makes him feel weird and out of place. People just find out anyway sometimes, because it's like breathing to him; he has always done it and he doesn't really spend too much time thinking about what his life would be like if he suddenly just couldn't do it anymore. He doesn't know what he should call it, really, since he doesn't know anyone else who can do anything even remotely like it. He just talks about magic, because that's what it feels like. That's what it is, essentially. Not that he talks about it a lot, partly because he isn't sure if it's something that should even exist. But it definitely does.

Not that many people in his life know about it. His mum obviously knows, since he could do magic - or whatever it is - before he could walk, and that was way before he started feeling self-conscious about it. Will knows, since they've been friends since they were toddlers. They basically grew up like brothers since their mums were best friends (another reason why dating Will was a painfully stupid idea to begin with, but Merlin doesn't really regret it, either). Merlin hasn't always been able to control his special skills, and to be honest, he could never have _not_ told Will. There is no dad, and he is an only child, so that's family, sorted.

Freya from work knows. He never intended that, but he's grateful for it now, since he can use it for their mutual advantance when they share a shift alone. After one very long day, when he had been completely certain Freya had already left, he had helped himself with the cleaning a little. Freya had only been out for a fag, though, and she had stumbled on the broom sweeping the floor on its own and freaked out a bit. She had calmed down quickly, though, and after Merlin had explained, she had been fine with it. We all have our quirks, she had said, and Merlin would have married her then if she had asked.

Then there's Gwen.

He met Gwen in sixth form, which got to a great start when he and Will broke up painfully, fighting, hurting, and unable to forget or forgive anything for a long time, and Will moved to London with the girl he'd been sleeping with behind Merlin's back. Gwen saved Merlin. Thanks to her, he managed to finish school and get his lazy ass to Uni, because to be completely frank, Merlin didn't pay too much attention in college, and without Gwen helping him and nagging at him and shouting at him and holding him when he was having trouble coping with his damaged emotions, he would never have managed any A-levels. Since the day they met, Merlin wanted to tell her about his magic, but he kept getting scared and self-conscious about it and he couldn't figure what he should say so that she wouldn't freak out and run away, so in the end he just showed her.

Gwen hadn't minded. She had been the first person ever to tell him it was actually kind of cool that he could do something like that, and that had been it. Merlin had begun to act like himself around Gwen.

Merlin has Gwen to thank for several things in his life. In college, she was basically his only friend. In Uni, she has helped him get a life of his own, meet people, get a place to stay, get a job, take a hold on his life, all the while he's messed about with inappropriate men and done his best trying to ruin his life. But Gwen always forgives him for being stupid, and she almost never says I told you so, which is very reassuring. Gwen is his best friend, his shoulder to cry on (and he's really needed that in his life), a soulmate, if you please.

It's his third year in Uni now, and he kind of doesn't care about Physics really, but it's interesting enough to get a Bachelor's Degree in, and he's good at it, too. Merlin has a firm grip on the bright side of life, he has friends, like Morgana (who's ridiculously self-obsessed, but she's witty, kind of fun to be around, and most importantly, Gwen adores her), Gwaine (a complete womaniser with a bright smile and a very, _very_ outgoing personality, but he grew up in Florida because his dad is American so it kind of explains things a little), Lance (Gwen's boyfriend, of whom Merlin wholeheartedly approves) and Percy (a quiet, thoughtful bloke who's really bloody smart although he appears a bit daft sometimes because he's all muscle and smothering good looks and he doesn't say much, like, ever, and he's gay and a complete gentleman and very proper and wouldn't hurt a fly, and of course, Gwen often whines, of _course_ Merlin isn't attracted to him at all because he's actually decent and would be good for him, but Percy isn't interested either so that's that, and they're happily gay and just friends, which sometimes upsets Gwen). He still screws the occasional inappropriate bloke, but he hasn't recently done too many stupid things because of his inability to recognise a decent human being, so he's fine, really, and Gwen is proud of him. His studies aren't going completely down the drain, he has a job he likes just fine, and he always pays his rent on time. He has a roof on top of his head, and he doesn't need to starve. He is kind of happy, really, and that should be a warning sign, because he's the kind of guy trouble likes to seek out and bother on its free time. But Merlin refuses to believe he's just a generally unlucky guy, so he just soldiers on.

And the next thing that happens is trouble, of course, sneaking around the next street corner.

***

At first, Arthur seems like the perfect man, something completely different than anyone Merlin has ever wanted before. They always seem like that, but Merlin is determined to believe that Arthur is something else than just another mistake, another misjudgement. He is beautiful, he is rich, he is witty, he is funny, he is fit as fuck and he makes Merlin's heart skip beats and his mouth go dry. He is a complete prat, though; full of himself, rude, self-centered and doesn't give a shit about anyone at all. But that's just really hot, Merlin can't help but think, and there is just something about him. So Merlin is equally prattish and rude, just to match up and get noticed.

Once you've got enough alcohol at your disposal, it doesn't even matter that Arthur is very probably straight, so there.

They meet because of Morgana, whose brother Arthur is. It's her housewarming party, and Merlin doesn't know half the people there. Merlin ends up quite drunk and at the end of the night, he's very impressed by this wonder blonde. Arthur is amused and acts like a wanker. Nothing happens, not really; but they pay way too much attention to each other that night for it to be completely innocent, as Morgana later kindly points out.

The second time they meet is kind of surprising, and after that Merlin is no longer at all sure that Arthur is straight. Arthur appears on his door one Tuesday night, and he's obviously been asking Morgana about Merlin, because he's there on his only night off that week with a bottle of that cheap wine from Tesco that he always drinks because he actually genuinely likes it (and it's suitable for his budget). Arthur smiles and is just completely irresistible. So there they are, then, and here we go, Merlin thinks, he's got me now if that's what he wants.

They drink a bit more than just that one bottle of wine; Merlin has all kinds of odd bottles in his cupboards. They don't really say much. They watch Fight Club, cuddle on the sofa and end up snogging like teenagers. They listen to Muse and shag and it's really good. It just happens because why souldn't it, Merlin is absolutely smitten and Arthur is obviously trying to woo him, although why exactly, Merlin isn't sure. They're still a little bit drunk when Arthur leaves, hair ruffled and lips swollen, a spark in the corner of his eye. Merlin kisses him goodbye in the doorway.

"We should go out for a pint some day," Arthur says.

"I'm sure Morgana can help you figure out where I usually go."

He closes the door with a smile on his face before Arthur even turns away. Definitely not straight, then. And also a bit of a stalker. Merlin completely doesn't mind.

It's not even a week later, and Merlin is sitting in The Dragon's Nest (it's the pub where Merlin works, but he likes it there so he usually ends up going there even when it's his night off) in their usual corner table with Gwaine, Percy, Lance, Gwen and Morgana, when a rather specific blonde enters the pub with a fine-looking friend with messy hair and a beard. They walk straight up to them, and Arthur smiles like he's won some sort of game.

"You told him we were coming here tonight, didn't you," Merlin says to Morgana but he's really already looking at Arthur.

"Yeah, she did, and I'm ever so grateful, really. I figured I'd bring a friend since you've got company as well. This is Leon," he says, and the guy with the hair nods and smiles.

Merlin doesn't care about Leon at all, but he's not quite too busy drooling over Arthur to miss that Percy obviously does.

Arthur sits next to him, and doesn't bother being too discreet. Merlin doesn't mind, but he can feel his cheeks heat up when Arthur casually rests his hand on his thigh. And then Arthur starts stroking him with his thumb, drawing small circles on his inner thigh, and Merlin would just really like to take him somewhere and have him right away. The conversation floats around them, and Merlin doesn't have much to contribute this time. His mind is preoccupied, and he doesn't really care about Uni or football or this wonderful girl Gwaine met the other night. He really, _really_ doesn't care about that.

They stay for a few more pints, and after that Merlin takes Arthur home with him. When Merlin wakes up in the morning, Arthur is gone, but he doesn't think anything of it. It's not like they're dating. And he's got stuff to do, anyway.

By the fourth time they meet, Merlin doesn't even try to pretend to himself that he doesn't care. Arthur is wonderful. He is a complete and utter bastard, of course, but at his best he's very lovely, and Merlin doesn't ever want to let him go. He hasn't really got him yet, though, but he's working on it.

Arthur decides to show up at the Dragon's Nest when Merlin is working. It's little after eight, and his shift ends at nine. Even though it's not been a particularly busy night, he's tired and annoyed and ready to punch the next rude customer in the face. Morgana's told Arthur something again, and Merlin is a bit worried, because he's not feeling at all violated even though he definitely should.

"A pint of bitter, and one for yourself?" Arthur says with a smug smile on his face and takes a seat at the bar.

"Cheers. What are you doing here?" Merlin asks him and gets him his drink. He helps himself to a can of Irn-Bru.

"What people generally do in a pub," Arthur says. "I was in the neighbourhood and I figured I might sit down for a pint and, you know, ask you out."

"That's not what people generally do in a pub. And besides, I'm working."

"I know you get off in an hour."

"You would, wouldn't you, you creepy stalker," Merlin says, but he is absolutely delighted, really. "You planned this."

"You really just want to know _what_ I have planned for you, you cheeky bastard."

"Well then, let's hear it."

"We should go see a movie and touch each other inappropriately in the back row."

"Intriguing. Will you be paying?"

"I should think so. Isn't it customary for the gentleman to pay, after all?"

"I thought you, being a cocky rich brat, could pretend feeling sorry for a piss-poor Uni student."

"You keep thinking that, Cinderella."

"Right. Wouldn't want to mistake you for a nice bloke."

"I am a delight."

"Right, sure you are."

They leave together when Merlin's shift ends, and go see a worthless action movie. They don't remember much of it afterwards (which is a shame because the tickets were ten quid) because they spend the entire two hours just kissing in the back row, slowly, gently, softly, because it's nice, because it's fun, because they want to. Because they can. They go to Merlin's place and get off quickly and messily on the sofa, make out some more, fuck in the shower, and fall asleep on Merlin's bed.

Merlin wakes up in the middle of the night, without the faintest idea of what has woken him. Arthur sleeps next to him, effectively taking as much space as humanely possible. He's thrown his arm over Merlin's chest, and his face is pressed against his side. Merlin absently strokes his hair, and every thought he's tried very hard not to think about lets its way into his brain and makes a nest.

He should be really worried about this. Arthur could just have him for his own if he wanted. Merlin is completely smitten with him and not even really trying to hide it anymore. That's never a good place to be, and it's a place where Merlin's been before so he knows what he's talking about. _Arthur is different than the rest of them _, he tells himself. _Arthur cares about you. Arthur wants you because you're you_. Yeah, he can keep pretending that's the case, but he doesn't know, not really, and he's got a bad feeling about this. He doesn't even know Arthur that well, and he's never very lucky when it comes to love.__

Merlin has always been easy to use. He's never really admitted it to himself, and even if he has, he doesn't really see why he should mind. The fact is, though, that he'd have done a lot for many people. And sometimes, he has done. It was never very serious, though, and nobody ever asked him to do anything too stupid - or at least he's still alive and not in jail, so that's good. Arthur is something else, though. Arthur is completely different to anyone before, because Merlin might just give him everything, just by accident, and he's pretty sure he wouldn't regret it, because Arthur is everything to him unnervingly quickly. That, all of it, really scares him. He doesn't want to see what is going to become of him if this goes on, but he doesn't want to see what would happen without it, either.

He falls asleep without even noticing, and when he wakes up in the morning, Arthur's gone again. This time, he's left a note on the kitchen counter, _thanks for a great night x_. Merlin fingers the piece of paper while the water boils. There isn't anything going on, he tells himself. This doesn't mean anything to Arthur, and Merlin's already given his heart to him in a little box with a bow on top. Arthur's probably going to throw it out without having a second look. He's just having fun, and Merlin is already completely under his spell.

***

A few days later, Arthur appears on Merlin's door with a bag of groceries.

"Let's make pasta," he says and kisses Merlin on the cheek like he's his wife who's been waiting for him to come home all day. Merlin laughs and takes the bag to the kitchen. Cooking together, he thinks, that's weird for a casual shag, and he feels his hopes start getting up again.

Everything is perfectly nice and cozy until they start chopping the vegetables.

"About your friend Leon, by the way," Merlin says and stirs the pan with the onions. "Do you know if he's been in contact with Percy? He's usually pretty quiet about those things, so I was wondering about that. It seems they really hit it off the other night."

Arthur laughs, but he doesn't sound like he's at all amused.

"I should hope not. Leon's my boyfriend."

Merlin's jaw drops, and for several seconds he can't think of anything to say or do. As far as he's concerned, Arthur could've stabbed him with the kitchen knife he was just using to chop the onions and it would have mad him feel better.

"You're kidding, right," he manages after a painfully long silence.

"No, he is my boyfriend. I'm allowed one, right?"

The obvious disdain in Arthur's voice makes Merlin want to break something.

"Right. So does he know that when you two were sitting in the pub with us you were actually harassing me under the table the whole time?"

"I don't think he's blind, Merlin. Do give him some credit."

Arthur sounds amused. Arthur should not sound _amused_. This is not _funny_.

"Does he know we're shagging?" he asks. Does he know you took me to the movies, does he know we're bloody _cooking together_ , he can't bring himself to say out loud.

"Well, if he doesn't, he's really not paying attention. I have stayed the night a few times, you know."

"And he just waits for you at home while you fuck someone else?" Stay the night in someone else's bed. Visit them at work and _ask them out on a date_.

"Pretty much, yeah."

Oh fuck. They're so not going to have pasta tonight. Merlin turns off the stove, leaves the half-chopped tomatoes on the countertop, and sits down before his knees give out.

"You're not fine with this," Arthur observes from the kitchen.

Unbelievable.

"You think?" Merlin's voice is almost broken.

"He doesn't want to see other people."

"And he's fine with you not caring about that and just... I don't know. Fucking around?"

"I never asked."

"I bet you didn't."

"What's your problem?" Arthur snaps. He's getting angry now, and Merlin knows he should be scared because even though he's taller than Arthur, Arthur is definitely stronger, and Merlin doesn't really want to see what he's like when he loses his temper, he doesn't want anyone to get angry now, and he realises he's panicking but he doesn't care. Because Merlin Emrys is stupid and emotional and pathetic and this, bloody _Arthur_ , has grown to mean so much to him that he doesn't want to give up, he doesn't want this to be over yet.

"Is that what this has been to you, then?" he says, voice shaking.

"I'm sorry, what?"

"Just fucking around."

"Well, I wasn't going to ask you to marry me, if that's what you mean."

Merlin doesn't want to be hurting like this. He doesn't want this, he never asked for any of this, and he really just wants to kill Morgana now, because she must have known about Leon, and she still let this happen.

"I wasn't expecting that."

"But?"

He almost doesn't say anything, but that smile Arthur has on his stupid, arrogant face is so full of disdain he decides he needs to deserve that look.

"I was starting to hope we had something."

Merlin looks away and waits for words that are going to tear his heart in pieces, fucking again, why can't he ever learn, and - nothing. Arthur doesn't say anything.

Arthur slowly walks up to him and wraps his arms around him from behind. He presses a kiss on top of Merlin's head. For a second, Merlin really wants to pull away, but he doesn't.

"Me, too. I don't want to break this."

That's not what Merlin had thought he might say.

"You have a boyfriend waiting for you at home," he says, but he's already given up.

"He doesn't have anything to do with you."

Arthur's voice is almost convincing. Merlin turns around to face him, and they kiss. It's an apology at first, but Merlin still feels like he's drowning, and he needs to hold on to something. The next thing, they're fighting their way to his bedroom, Arthur smashes him against a wall, Merlin bites Arthur, fingers digging into his hips, and he's so hot he can't contain himself but yet a little cold at the same time. He knows about Leon now, and he's still doing this. Arthur's words ring in his head, _I should hope not, my boyfriend, he doesn't want to see other people, he doesn't have anything to do with you_ , and he closes his eyes and gets closer to Arthur because Leon doesn't have anything to do with him. But he can't forget the guy he saw, the one who doesn't want to see other people, the one who looked at Percy like he'd move mountains to make him happy. For some reason, he finds it hard to believe that Leon doesn't want to see other people. But he has no explanation for it now, not when Arthur is there and they're almost fighting and it hurts a bit and is a bit wonderful.

Merlin doesn't want to give it up, so he decidedly ignores the voice inside his head telling him that Arthur knows what he wants to hear, and that's what he's saying.

***

Merlin is sitting in Gwen's flat with her, watching Doctor Who, eating chips and curry and drinking beer, when the absurdity of the situation really hits him.

"Arthur has a boyfriend," he says quietly while the Doctor saves the day with a flick of a screwdriver.

Gwen slowly turns to look at him, a small frown on her face. Merlin knows she won't ask if he's serious, because she knows him well enough to know he wouldn't kid about this. He might not have known Arthur long, but he really likes him, and Gwen knows it.

"Oh, Merlin," she says, because it isn't the first time something like this has happened to him. "I'm sorry. I swear, I didn't know."

"I know you didn't," he says, because he trusts that Gwen would never keep something like that from him. "But I'm pretty sure Morgana did."

"I don't know," Gwen mutters reluctantly. "She might have."

Merlin sighs and closes his eyes.

"I wish I had it in me to be mad at her about that."

"You really like him, don't you?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I really do."

"I'm sorry," she says again, and Merlin shrugs. He wonders if he should tell her he's still seeing Arthur. That right after Arthur told him about Leon, they had amazingly good sex that left him lying breathless for a long time, and that after that, Arthur made him tea and they made pasta anyway. He decides against it, although he's painfully aware that she'll figure it out probably sooner rather than later, and that she's going to absolutely loathe him for not telling. Merlin throws his arm over his eyes and groans. He absolutely hates his life sometimes.

Gwen turns to look at him again.

"You're still seeing him, aren't you," she says dryly.

There isn't much Merlin can say to that. Gwen knows him all too well. It's a hazard to his privacy, really.

***

Merlin is working the late shift that Friday, and he's alone in the bar with Freya. There's Tom in the kitchen, but he minds his own business, and leaves before they close. The two of them have to clean up and close the place, and even though he has his ways of getting the cleaning up done quite quickly (and Freya doesn't mind), he's absolutely not going anywhere until half eleven because of this group of regulars who are never out the door by eleven. Merlin doesn't usually mind, but he's really tired and has a lot in his mind and it's only nine and it feels like hours until he can leave and go home and eat take-away curry, watch X-files, and feel sorry for himself. He doesn't feel sociable at all. That's his job, though, so he tries his best, but Freya, at least, can surely tell that he's not really fine. She doesn't say anything though, because they never do. They never talk about feelings, that kind of stuff doesn't suit them at all. But she gives him a certain look and he feels a little better. Just a little, mind you. And it doesn't last long. Because that's just the way his life works, apparently.

It's a bit busy, but Merlin doesn't miss Leon stepping in through the door. He almost drops the pint he's holding. Fucking hell. Someone really needs to trade lives with him, because this is getting ridiculous, and he really needs a break.

Because there are only two of them working, and the odds are fifty-fifty, it's obvious that in the end, it's him who's stuck with Leon.

"Heineken, please," he says.

His voice is probably completely normal, but in every syllable Merlin can hear how much Leon hates him, and how much he wants to dispose of him. Merlin feels guilt sneaking its way up his spine, disgusting, uncomfortable. He gets Leon his beer and avoids eye contact. Leon takes a seat at the bar. Merlin doesn't look in his general direction long enough to actually see if Leon's looking at him, but he wants to have a word, Merlin can tell. He's got manners so he's not disturbing Merlin when he's working, except that he completely is. Merlin tries very hard to concentrate on not being painfully aware of Leon's presence, but he feels his cheeks heat up with embarassment, just being looked at by the guy. He crosses his fingers and hopes that it stays very busy for the rest of the night, so that he just can't spare the time to talk to Leon, but of course that doesn't happen.

Merlin does not want to have a word with Leon, but he absolutely doesn't want him hanging around for the rest of the night, so when he's got a moment, he collects what little he's got left of himself and walks up to him.

"Why would you come here," he asks Leon, but he still can't really look at him.

"I wanted to see you."

"Why?"

"Because you're shagging my boyfriend."

Merlin closes his eyes and hopes that not everybody heard that. Freya raises an eyebrow, but Merlin doesn't pay attention to her. There isn't much he can say to that.

"Yeah," he says, and thinks about all the other things he could have said instead, and how everything from _fuck off_ to _marry me_ sounds better than _yeah_. The silence grows, and Merlin realises he's expected to say something.

"Well, not exactly the small talk topic of the year, is it," he huffs. "What do you want me to say?"

Leon sighs, and Merlin cautiously looks at him. He's surprised when he realises Leon doesn't look murderous or full of hatred at all. He looks just tired and defeated. Merlin feels, if possible, even worse about the whole situation.

"Nothing," Leon says. "I don't know."

"I'm sorry about all this," Merlin mutters and knows that whatever he can say probably won't make Leon feel any better. "I really am. I didn't realise."

Leon laughs.

"That, I can believe."

"How come?"

"Well, it's just that when Arthur goes about his usual conquests, he often fails to mention he's got a boyfriend."

Merlin doesn't say anything. There's a knot in his chest that's tightening with every word Leon speaks, and he's pretty sure something inside him is going to burst. Leon looks up at him and grants him a sad smile.

"He's got you already, hasn't he?"

Merlin swallows.

"Yeah," he whispers. "Yeah, he has."

Leon stares at the green bottle he's holding and picks at the label.

"He's really loveable when he's in that mood," Leon says quietly, "but if I were you, I'd watch out. He can be really vicious when he gets cross."

Then he finishes his beer and looks at Merlin with nothing but genuine worry and compassion in his eyes. Merlin doesn't want to remember that expression, it's oddly unnerving.

"I'm just worried about you," Leon says. "Be careful. Oh, and that friend of yours, Percy... Tell him I've been a bit busy. So I probably won't have time to see him as much."

Merlin nods.

"I will."

"Please don't tell Arthur I said that," he mutters and sounds scared. Something uncomfortabe moves inside Merlin.

"I won't."

Leon smiles, then he gets up and leaves. Merlin glances after him, and can't help but think that even though there are no black eyes or obvious bruises he can see, he can't really unsee whatever Leon's jumper is hiding underneath.

Merlin feels anxious for the rest of the day, and fear and careful regret settle in somewhere deep inside him. It takes him hours to fall asleep that night.

***

I don't know what's going on, really, Merlin says to Percy. Leon says he's busy but I don't think that's the problem. But he really likes you, I can tell. Merlin doesn't say anything about Arthur. He doesn't want anyone to know anything. It doesn't really matter to him what Leon has said about him. He's not ready to not have Arthur anymore; just the thought of it makes him feel a little bit sick. Nothing's changed, Merlin tells himself, Arthur is still the same guy he's fallen in love with. And that is what has happened; there is no denying that any longer. After a while, it's not even really hard for him to not remember the look on Leon's face or anything he's said anymore. He has nothing to do with me, Merlin tells himself. Nothing at all. He wants it so badly that in the end, it's easy for him to pretend everything is fine, at least for now.

In the end, Merlin decides not to confront Morgana about Arthur. He doesn't really even want to know.

So nothing changes. Neither of them brings Leon up again. It's like he doesn't exist to Merlin anymore, and he quite likes that, thank you very much. He's completely in love with Arthur's stupid face, and he doesn't need anything that reminds him of his boyfriend. Merlin can't bring himself to tell Percy about Leon and Arthur, so he gradually starts avoiding him, because the guy is completely lovestruck and Merlin can't bear it.

Whatever is going on between Merlin and Arthur is a lot like dating, really; only it isn't like that at all. Merlin knows better than that. They never talk about anything that matters. There's no need, either, because whatever Merlin feels is surely written all over his face - he's never been very good with this whole hiding your emotions ordeal - and Arthur is the exact opposite of that. Merlin doesn't want to ask because he doesn't want to hear the answer. They keep seeing each other, and Gwen silently disapproves. He hasn't told even her about his conversation with Leon, though. He figures it wouldn't help him forget whatever is going on if Gwen knew any more about it.

So everything stays pretty much the same for a long time, until Merlin one day realises they've been seeing each other for two months, and he's never been to Arthur's place. He ignores it and tells himself it doesn't mean anything. They meet several times every week, and usually end up at Merlin's, even when they do something else first, like go for a pint or to the movies or something. Arthur comes to his place, they shag, watch a movie, cuddle on the sofa, whatever. Arthur is never there in the morning, and Merlin decidedly doesn't care. He's got so much already, and Arthur is more and better than anything he could ever have dreamed, as long as he ignores the complete weirdness and the obvious problems of their relationship. He can live with waking up alone. For a while, he's absolutely fine. This can work, he tells Gwen, and he almost believes it.

And then the whole thing just explodes in his face.

***

Merlin ignores his first warning, a clear clue to just give up, run away and hide. He's at home, drinking tea and sitting on his computer, when Percy calls him.

"Hi, what's up?"

"Where are you?" Percy sounds worried and a little out of breath.

"Home," Merlin says, "got a lecture in an hour. What's wrong?"

"Leon's here and he said I should call you. He wants to talk to you."

"You know what's going on, then?"

"I don't know what he wants to say. But he broke up with his boyfriend and came here this morning. Did you know he had a boyfriend?"

Merlin swallows hard and doesn't say anything for a while. He sets down his cup of tea and tries to breathe.

"I knew that, yeah."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

Merlin sighs. "It's... Complicated, okay?"

"Yeah, whatever." Merlin can tell Percy's hurt. He feels horrible, but he has no idea how he could ever have told him. "Leon wants to talk to you now."

"Right."

"Merlin, that you?" It's Leon.

"Yeah. What the fuck happened?"

"I dumped him, and run off to Percy's. I don't think he knows where I am, but he's not happy and if I know him at all - and believe me, I do - he needs an outlet when he's got feelings."

"And you think he's going to show up at mine and beat me up?"

"Pretty much, yeah. Sorry. I know you don't want to hear it. But he's not a good guy. He isn't. And you should be careful."

Merlin closes his eyes for a bit and takes a deep breath.

"Right."

"You don't believe me."

Merlin doesn't say anything.

"You really should, Merlin."

"Does Percy know it's Arthur?"

"I haven't told him, but I'm pretty sure he's guessed by now. What with the conversation we're having and all."

"Yeah... Tell him I'm sorry, yeah?"

"I will."

"And you, too. Really. I am."

"As far as I'm concerned, you probably did a good thing. I'm worried about you, though."

"I know that. I'll be fine, though."

"You sure?"

"Yeah. I have my ways."

He hangs up before Leon can ask anything. Merlin sighs and presses the heels of his hands to his eyes. What a fucking wonderful way to start a morning.

Merlin decides to ignore Leon. He doesn't do anything out of the ordinary all day. He goes to his lecture, doesn't call in sick to work or even try and reschedule his shifts. He doesn't bother going to Gwen's place, or even calling her and asking her to come over. Whatever happens, happens, he thinks. It's really stupid, of course, but he has no intention of running away from Arthur. He's not scared. He can actually defend himself, no matter what other people might think (and other people obviously don't really know him quite as well as they may believe). And he's secretly really thrilled about the fact that Arthur doesn't have a boyfriend now. He shouldn't be looking forward to him calling or coming over, but he kind of is. Whatever Arthur's going to do, Merlin can manage. He's still alive - mainly because he's got a few handy tricks under his belt - and he has no intention of stopping now. The only problem he's got is that he really likes Arthur. That's always his problem. He gets attached and when he should run away or stand up for himself, he gets scared and emotional and all insecure. Ever since he accidentally knocked out an ex-boyfriend who wouldn't leave him alone at eighteen, he's been unnecessarily careful about using magic for self-defence purposes.

You're too nice, Merlin, is what Gwen always says, which is hilarious since Gwen is the nicest person he's ever met. You're too nice, you give in too easily, and you get too emotional. All of it is true. Merlin knows he can stand up to Arthur if he needs to, but he isn't sure if he wants to do that. That's where he's obviously just being fucking stupid.

***

His second warning is a knock on the door later that day. Merlin has just come home from work and is fresh out of shower. He doesn't need to answer the door to know it is Arthur. He hasn't called, he didn't buzz himself in (he doesn't really need to, because he knows the code, but he usually does that anyway), he's just there, knocking at his door without giving Merlin any heads up about being on his way. Without thinking any further, Merlin makes another mistake. He opens the door.

Arthur looks horrible. It's as if he's given up on life. He seems exhausted and has dark circles under his eyes. His hair is a mess and he's clearly wearing a shirt he's slept in. His eyes are bloodshot. Merlin doesn't know what he's been expecting, but he can't deny he's surprised.

"I... Hello," he says and lets Arthur in.

Arthur just nods, walks past him and throws himself onto the sofa. Merlin closes the door and turns to look at Arthur, leaning against the wall. He studies him with his gaze, not saying anything. Arthur looks properly shaken, and it's a bit unsettling.

"What?" Arthur snaps at him when he's clearly stared for too long.

Merlin shrugs. "Why did you come here?" he then decides to ask.

"Leon moved out," Arthur says and sounds genuinely upset.

"Yeah, I figured."

"Did he call you or something?"

Now that's not a nice tone of voice. Arthur gets up and walks over to him. He's not as tall as Merlin, but can sure as hell look threatening if he wants to.

"Might have."

"Didn't I tell you he's got nothing to do with you?"

"It's not like I looked him up or anything."

"That little fucker," Arthur hisses. "He probably talked all kinds of shit about me, as well."

"Well, it's not as if I believe whatever he says about you. He is your boyfriend, and I'm shagging you. He'd want to get rid of me, wouldn't he?"

"I don't know about that," Arthur mutters. "Do you know if he's got someone new?"

"No idea," Merlin answers. A bit too quickly, he realises, when Arthur grabs the front of his shirt and pushes him against the wall.

"Don't lie to me," Arthur mutters, his lips less than an inch away from Merlin's, and Merlin smirks because he can't help it, because the situation is bloody absurd, and also because it's kind of really hot. And it's not like he's in any real danger just yet.

"Sorry," Merlin whispers, and kisses Arthur.

Arthur doesn't hesitate a second to kiss back. Merlin slides his hands down to cup Arthur's arse while Arthur grinds him closer to the wall, a knee jammed between his thighs, grabbing a fisful of hair with the hand that isn't busy ruining one of Merlin's favourite t-shirts. It's one bloody hot kiss, violent and extremely arousing what with all the biting and sucking and _tongue_ involved, and then, suddenly, it's over and Merlin is on the floor, slouched against the wall, holding his face in astonishment because it happened so quickly and he wasn't at all expecting Arthur to hit him, not like that, at least. Arthur knows how it's done, Merlin can tell, and there's blood dripping through Merlin's fingers.

"What the fuck," Merlin says. He can't recognise his own voice; it's thick and muffled and he's probably crying, too. He's hurting like fuck and can't really breathe properly, and everything around him is a bit blurry. He's fairly sure he's broken his nose - it's happened to him once before - and he's probably hit his head quite hard in the process, as well.

"I said, don't lie to me," Arthur says, and Merlin is creeped out by how calm he sounds. His ears are ringing and he can almost hear Leon telling him to be careful, telling him Arthur's not a good guy.

"It's not my fault," he manages, but talking really hurts.

"You still know, though, don't you?"

Merlin squeezes his eyes shut because it's too noisy, the empty flat is silent except for his own ragged breath, and it's too bright, although it's cloudy outside and the lights aren't on.

"Of course I do," he says, because he's pretty sure that shutting up won't help and Arthur's just going to hit him again or do something else that's very stupid if Merlin doesn't answer his question.

"And?"

Merlin thinks about how he should get Arthur out of his flat _right fucking now_ , and do something about the fact that he's bleeding, he's feeling dizzy, he can't really see or hear or concentrate on what's happening around him, and that he's in pain, in a lot of pain, _it really fucking hurts_. Arthur wants to hear things Merlin doesn't want to talk about, because not everything he knows is his to tell. I'm not here, he tells himself, and for a moment he believes it, and it helps; I'm not here, this isn't happening, and Arthur grabs and twists Merlin's wrists and yanks his hands away from his face and knees him in the face and _FUCK, THE AGONY_ and the pain makes his senses go white for what feels like an eternity before Merlin remembers Arthur's asked him a question.

"Yes, fuck, yes, let go, alright?" he manages. "You're hurting me!"

"Of course I'm bloody hurting you, did you _think_ I did it by accident?" Arthur spits, but he lets him go. "Who is it, then?"

"None of my business," Merlin chokes, and he's absolutely sure he's crying now, and he hates himself for that because Arthur does _not_ need to see him cry.

"So you won't tell me?"

"I don't even know!"

Merlin tries to get up, but it's difficult because he feels horribly dizzy. He's hit his head harder than he thought, he assumes, and he really needs to lie down. He's almost standing up when Arthur shoves him on the floor - a choked scream escapes him when he hits the floor - and kicks him, pretty hard, between his ribs.

"You're lying again, aren't you, you fucker," Arthur shouts. "You're not going anywhere until you've told me."

Merlin blinks and tries to take a few deep breaths. His nose just won't stop bleeding and he's hurting so much his face is almost numb, but he's not going to tell Arthur anything. It's none of my business anyway, he tells himself, it's alright not to know.

"Haven't the faintest," he says and wonders if Arthur can even make out what he's saying anymore, or if he's just doing this because it's fun now.

At that, Merlin finally looks at Arthur. He doesn't look near as threatening as he sounds or acts, and certainly not like he's having any fun at all. He only looks scared, standing there biting his lip, shaking a little, and he's actually _crying_. Like he's the victim in this. Merlin is so abashed he actually forgets that he should probably be worried about himself, or probably scared of Arthur. He sits up, blinking, and tugs the leg of Arthur's jeans.

"Come here, love," he mutters, and Arthur kneels next to him and pulls him to a hug. He buries his face to Merlin's neck, sobbing. Merlin takes a deep breath and wraps his arms around Arthur. He's well aware that he's probably staining Arthur's shirt with blood, but he doesn't really give a fuck. It's Arthur's fault he's bleeding, anyway.

"Calm down," he whispers. "It's alright. Stuff happens. That's life."

"I'm sorry, Merlin," Arthur mutters against his neck. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to."

"I know you didn't," Merlin says and he feels like it's the biggest lie he's told anyone in a long time. And he's a guy who lies about himself to basically everyone he knows on a daily basis.

They sit there like that for a good while, and then Merlin starts to feel like he is going to throw up. The room is going around even when he's holding on to Arthur, who's definitely staying still. He needs to lie down now, and call Gwen. And then Gwen is going to force him to go to the A&E.

"You should go," he whispers in Arthur's ear. Arthur takes a deep, shuddering breath.

"Yeah," he mutters. Without any further ado, he gets up and leaves. Hair tousled, looking like he's been crying, blood on his clothes, he closes the door behind him.

Merlin sighs. He gets his sorry behind onto the sofa, lies down and thinks about closing his eyes for a bit. Then he decides he needs to call Gwen before he falls asleep - or passes out, if you will. He holds out his hand, his eyes flash golden, and the phone floats neatly to his outstretched hand. Magic is lovely sometimes. Gwen answers almost immediately.

"Hello, sweetie, what's up?" she asks, cheerful. Merlin can hear a man laugh on the background. So she's with Lance, then.

"Um," Merlin says. He suddenly feels bad about doing this.

"You're in trouble again, aren't you?" Not so cheerful anymore.

"A little bit, yeah. If you could come over then that'd be great."

"What's wrong? You sound horrible."

"Stuff happens, yeah?" he says. He doesn't really want to talk about this over the phone. "But I'll probably have to get to the A&E."

"Of course you do," Gwen says, sighing. "Stay alive, yeah? We're on our way."

Merlin wants to say he doesn't really want Lance there, but Gwen's already hung up. It's probably just as well, though, he thinks. And Lance's got a car, so that's good. He doesn't have time to think about anything much after that, when the world finally goes black around him.

***

They want to keep him in the hospital for the night just to be sure nothing serious happened when he hit his head. They straighten his nose, which is not a very nice feeling at all, and quite frankly, Merlin would rather have his balls ripped off than have it done to him again. Gwen is upset and Lance is completely freaked out.

"I was stupid," Merlin admits to her when the three of them are finally alone. Lance won't leave, but Merlin doesn't mind, because he's a good guy, really.

"Yes, you were, you complete arse," Gwen spits at him. She's angry because she loves him, Merlin reminds himself, and tries really hard not to smile. "I would totally hit you if Arthut hadn't beaten me to it."

"Wait, it was Arthur? That guy from the pub? Morgana's brother, that Arthur?" Lance asks.

"Of course it was Arthur," Gwen bites. "It's always the guy Merlin is dating because Merlin is a fucking idiot, and he should be isolated from all other people so that he wouldn't hurt himself."

"We're not dating," Merlin says.

"Well whatever it is you've been up to, it's not good, you fucker."

"Yeah, I know. Sorry."

Gwen snorts and Merlin figures he didn't sound quite sincere enough.

"Why didn't you _do_ anything?" she then asks, her voice lowered.

"Didn't really get the chance," Merlin answers, looking the other way. He doesn't want to have this conversation at all, not ever. "Also, I don't want him to know."

"Know what?" Lance asks.

"Oh, you know, Merlin's got a black belt in karate," Gwen lies smoothly. Somehow, it doesn't sound very believable. Merlin suddenly decides he doesn't want to lie to Lance, but he's too tired to say anything about it, and he wouldn't know what the hell to say, anyway, so he just shrugs and lets it go.

"I kind of don't believe that's true, but nevermind," Lance mutters, and Gwen and Merlin wordlessly agree to ignore him for now.

"What happened, then?" Gwen asks.

"Nothing."

"That's bollocks."

"Yeah. I don't want to talk about it."

"Because you're thinking of going back to him."

Merlin closes his eyes and tries to think about not having Arthur anymore. It's a disgusting idea, and even the thought of it makes him feel like he doesn't properly exist. He doesn't really even want to think about it, though, let alone for it to be actually true. He can't remember ever feeling like this about anyone before. And still, this wouldn't be the first time he'd be going back to someone who doesn't deserve him, someone who doesn't think it's important to treat him like a person.

"It's not... I don't want to... You don't get it," he mutters. He isn't very impressed with his argumentation skills.

"You're not going back to him."

"He was not himself! He'd just been dumped, he was emotional, and he felt bad about it, it just happened. He didn't mean it. And he thought I knew who his boyfriend was with, and that I was keeping it from him -"

"Did you know, then?"

"Yeah, but that's not the point! He's not like that. He really isn't. He's... Different. Really, I swear."

"I think I've heard this before."

"Hold on... He has a boyfriend?" Lance asks. Judging by the look on Gwen's face, Merlin isn't the only one who's kind of forgotten he's there.

"Not anymore," Merlin says.

"I'm not surprised, really. How long did you say you've been together?"

"We're not _together_!"

"Well, whatever you were doing."

"Two months."

"And when did you find out he's got a boyfriend?"

"What's up with the interrogation?"

"Just answer him," Gwen says. "It's good for you. Makes you think about what you've done - _again_."

"Oh, fuck you, Gwen," Merlin mutters and sighs. "You know... Not that long ago."

Gwen raises an eyebrow. "You're such a liar, I hope you know."

"I am, aren't I? Oh fucking shit, I don't know. A week, maybe?"

"A week ago? Really? And you didn't dump him?"

Merlin kind of wants to bury himself alive.

"What Merlin means," Gwen says pointedly, "is that he found out about a week after they'd met."

"Seriously?"

"I hate you, Gwen, I hope you know." Merlin says without much feeling to it. "Look, I really like him. I mean, really a _lot_."

"I bet you do. He is a self-centered, violent, cheating bastard, so he's completely your type. I bet he's going to ask you to marry him any day now."

"Please stop, alright?" Merlin says. He's too tired for this, and he knows he's an idiot, that he really shouldn't be even thinking about whether he should see Arthur again or not. He knows full well that nothing good would ever come out of it, but he wants to have Arthur, he doesn't want to let go, ever, and this should not be so hard and he is _so wrong_ about this and he knows it. And the worst part is that even in his complete selfishness he's hurting Gwen, and he doesn't want that. Not ever.

"Sorry," she says and strokes his hair. "I'm being horrible, I know. But I'm just worried."

"I know. Thanks for that."

"You stupid idiot," she says fondly, her voice shaking.

Lance rests his hand on her shoulder. She turns to hug him and breaks to sobs. Lance looks at Merlin over Gwen's shoulder with sad eyes. Merlin thinks that Lance probably hates him quite a lot right now, and looks away. There's a foreign pain in his chest that makes it harder to breathe. Merlin kind of hopes Gwen and Lance would just leave already. He just wants to sleep and not think about anything. He's just about to tell them he's a bit tired, when there's a knock on the door, and Leon comes in. Merlin forgets to breathe for a bit, and then he turns to Gwen and Lance.

"You need to leave now," he says and sounds harsher than he planned, but he really doesn't want to talk to Leon with the two of them in the room. Merlin looks at Lance with what he hopes is a please-do-this-for-me expression even under all the swelling and bruising on his face. Lance nods, glances at Leon, and pulls Gwen outside with him. After they've closed the door behind them, Merlin sighs and looks at Leon.

"What?"

"I was right."

"Yeah, you were. Congratulations."

"Don't. It's not funny."

"Whatever."

"How are you so cynical? Do you just not care?"

"I'm not cynical. And no, I don't care. How did you find out I was here?"

"I called the hospital and asked."

"Well, weren't you bloody certain you were right about this, then. I thought they weren't allowed to say?"

"I told them you're my half-brother and that you're not answering my calls."

"You fucker."

"I know. Sorry. But I was worried."

"I'm fine, though."

"You're in the bloody hospital, Merlin!"

"I've only got a broken nose, it's no big deal. They want to keep me overnight because I hit my head and kind of passed out, but seriously, I'm fine. Really."

"Whatever you say. I get the picture you're kind of used to this, though."

"I'm clumsy."

"You're a liar."

"That's an astonishingly popular opinion today. You know, Arthur wanted to know where you were. He was sure I knew, I have no idea why."

"Did you tell him?"

"Of course not, don't be daft. But he's not happy. You should know. And he knows you've got someone new."

"You told him," Leon says, and his voice is suddenly cold and hostile. Merlin is surprised by how much that hurts him.

"I didn't mean to! He was hurting me, in case you didn't notice. It's fucking uncomfortable when someone breaks your nose and then won't leave you be, I'll have you know."

"Yeah, of course. Sorry, I just..." Leon shrugs. "Thanks. For not telling him about Percy. I appreciate it."

"You had better," Merlin snaps. He's really tired and very much in pain, and he doesn't need any of this interrogation at all. "Why are you here, anyway?"

Leon sighs.

"I've nothing to say that I haven't said before, to be frank. I was just hoping that maybe now you might listen."

"It's not that simple," Merlin says, even though it is. It's perfectly simple, but he doesn't want to give up. He doesn't want it to be over. This was just one time, and he has wonderful memories about Arthur. He can't forget about how Arthur can make him feel loved without ever saying anything, with just a smile or a touch or the way he laughs. It's wonderful, and he doesn't feel like he's being used, he doesn't feel like Arthur has betrayed him. He doesn't feel trapped, and he knows that feeling, he's been there, really. He was trapped at nineteen when he almost left Uni because of his boyfriend, he was trapped at seventeen when he kept sleeping with a guy he loathed just to get drugs from him. This is not trapped, this is one mistake, and he doesn't want it to end. There's a lump in his throat that makes it hard to swallow.

"It really is."

"Stop pretending you know me!" Merlin shouts. Leave, he thinks, leave now, I don't want you here. I'm going to break and I don't want you to see it.

"I'm not saying I know you. I know him."

"And what if I told you that he's the kindest guy I've ever been in love with?"

Leon's jaw drops and Merlin curses to himself. He wasn't supposed to say that at all, and now Leon's looking at him with pity and compassion, like falling in love with Arthur is as good as suicide. And maybe it is. How would he know? Leon's the one who's just got out of it, Merlin has no idea what he should expect.

"You're in love with him," Leon says, desperate. "Shit."

"Yeah. It's never good when that happens to me. And I'm starting to feel like I may have fucked it up again. It's just..." He swallows.

"It's just that you don't want to believe it," Leon snaps and his eyes are gleaming. Merlin can't tell if he's about to cry or just furious. "You don't care, because he's so wonderful, and it was just a mistake, just that one time. Do you really think I never went through that?"

"No, I-"

"Shut up," Leon scowls. "You are being an idiot. Don't see him again, just don't. Don't let him in your flat. Don't answer his calls. Don't let him make that mistake again, because he will. I know he says he's sorry afterwards, I know he looks like he regrets it, like he can't believe he's done it, but he will do it again, and you need to understand that, Merlin. Because it will get ugly. I know." And his last words are almost a whisper, an apology, like Leon regrets he's said it, or maybe that he didn't say it before.

"I just can't make myself believe he doesn't love me," Merlin says, feels instantly stupid for saying it, and then realises that it's closest to the truth he's likely to ever get.

Leon sighs and smiles weakly.

"He doesn't need you, Merlin."

"I know."

"And you don't need him either."

"I'm not so sure about that."

***

A few days after the whole ordeal, they're sitting at Gwen's with Gwaine, Percy, Leon (who's there because Percy wanted to bring him, not because Merlin agreed), and Lance, watching movies and drinking. Morgana isn't there, mainly because Merlin doesn't want to talk to her, and Gwen is mad at her. They're now watching the Lion King because Gwaine wouldn't let it go, and Merlin can't help but admit that it really is a good movie. Or maybe it's just the fact that he feels pretty good in general. All things considered.

He's not seen Arthur yet, and not a day passes when he doesn't think about him, but he probably needs a while, at least, before he can do anything about it while acting all sensible and mature. He's called in sick to work, because he still feels a bit wobbly, he's high on pain meds half the time, and his face is all bruised and sore. He has also been skipping Uni, because he doesn't want to hear the questions. He's moved to Gwen's and sleeps on her sofa. He doesn't want to admit it, but he is a bit scared to stay at home. It feels like some sort of a ghost house, it makes him feel sick, everything smells like Arthur and looks like him and feels like him and there's a lump in his throat when he sees the blood stains on the carpet. Merlin hasn't said anything to Gwen, but he doesn't need to. He just looks at her and she knows, and she agrees that it's probably for the best to not stay there for a while.

Nobody has said anything about it to Merlin after he and Leon had their conversation in the hospital. Leon obviously told Percy the whole thing, so he knows, and Leon has probably also told him to shut the fuck up about it, so that's great, although Percy usually isn't one for inconsiderate questions anyway. When Gwaine saw him for the first time after the whole incident, he raised an eyebrow, but didn't say anything. Merlin can't begin to describe how thankful he is for that.

So there they are, watching a movie, singing along, laughing, joking, drinking beer and throwing popcorn at Gwaine, when Merlin suddenly misses Arthur with every fiber of his being. He remembers a night exactly like this one, with just Arthur and him, sitting on the floor in front of his sofa curled up against each other, watching Toy Story ( _I think the third one is the best, I actually cried when I saw it_ , Arthur whispers in his ear and Merlin feels all happy and loved and he adores this man, he _really_ does), eating popcorn and drinking cheap wine ( _This is all so elegant I think I might actually be under-dressed_ ), kissing, and Arthur's sweater that tickles him.

Merlin excuses himself and flees to the toilet, because he can't really breathe, because he misses Arthur, he misses everything about him so much that it physically brings him pain, even though it's only been a couple of days, but it feels like an eternity because the Arthur he knows - _knew, I don't even know him anymore_ \- seems just so far away. He rinses his face with ice-cold water and tries to pull himself together, but ends up just leaning on the sink, trembling. He realises he can't live without it, not now, not yet, and that it's completely irrational of him to think that, and that it's probably just the meds talking, it must be, sleep deprivation or something, he hasn't really been able to sleep at all lately. Then someone knocks on the door and Gwaine steps in. Great, Merlin thinks, he didn't even lock the door, but then he's just so grateful for not having to be alone that he just forgets about it and breaks out in tears.

Gwaine locks the door, pulls Merlin away from the sink and wraps his arms around him. Merlin clutches the back of Gwaine's shirt and bites his lip and thinks about how he just wants to disappear completely.

"Merlin," is all Gwaine says, but it means everything Merlin has ever needed to hear.

"I need him, I miss him so much, I can't bear this," he murmurs and tries to breathe normally again.

"It's okay to miss him," Gwaine says, and he's the first person to tell him that, the first person to realise that's what he really needs to be told, and in the end, that's what breaks him.

They end up sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall. Merlin rests his head on Gwaine's shoulder, and Gwaine strokes his hair. It's good for him. Reassuring, calming, friendly. Not complicated. It's fine, Gwaine is telling him without saying anything at all. It's fine to miss him, it's fine to not know what to do next. And Merlin needs that to be okay, because that's all he has now. He misses Arthur and doesn't know what to do, but he is not alone and that might just save him this time. This time, it might just be enough. But he isn't sure yet. He's in love, and he doesn't know what to do.

"I shouldn't go back to him."

"No."

"I would do anything for him."

"I know that."

And then Merlin just suddenly has nothing left to say, so he gets up, washes his face, takes a deep breath, and smiles at Gwaine.

"Thank you," he says. "Really. Just... Thanks."

Gwaine rests his hand on his shoulder for just a second and gives it a light squeeze. Then they unlock the door and get out. The Lion King is over, and their friends are discussing which movie to watch next. When Gwaine and Merlin return, nobody says anything, and Merlin just wants to cry of relief and hug them all. He doesn't, though. Instead, he sits on the floor next to Gwen, who smiles at him reassuringly. It's her "I know you'll be fine" smile that he really loves sometimes. Like right now.

In the end, they decide to ditch the movies and play Pictionary instead. Merlin genuinely enjoys it and laughs a lot, and for a moment, he forgets he's a complete mess. For a moment, he's all right. He won't be fine for a long time, he's going to need time to let it go, and he still doesn't know what he's going to do. But he can make it. This time, he probably can.

That night, he actually sleeps for hours without waking up once.


End file.
